Marriage is less like TV and more like farts and morning breath.

I had the usual task of executing some unusual marketing craziness for my job recently. I got to coordinate a giveaway and a proposal both on the air and in person with a bachelor and an unsuspecting bachelorette. Enough to cause concern, if she were to find out previous to the event, of an affair, secret emails, secret phone calls and before the big proposal, a secret meeting in the kitchen. This proposal went off without a hitch and the couple are fantastic, adorable and sweet people, though I had to endure 45 minutes of ABC's "The Bachelorette" which I NEVER watch, in order to help this event go off. I watched with a younger, more attrtactive co-worker, who is not yet married, in a relationship or not, serious or not, I had no idea. But that didn't stop me from being incredibly blunt about the black and white differences between a relationship, especially a relationship on TV and marriage. I'm not sure I've encouraged her towards a path that leads closer to the aisle, I might have just done the complete opposite. My goal is not to influence people in the least bit, I really have no goal, only to just say how it is, for me. Not for anyone else, but just for me.

Never is it ok to date several guys at once, let's be clear, I did do this, but it is still socially frowned upon. But not on TV. The bachelorette got to full on make out with several guys at once, have a hot and heated session in the hot tub, only to cuddle up with someone else completely different and equally as good looking later that night. Unacceptable in real life, acceptable on TV. Amazing. Sometimes you just don't know what you want, it's gotta be nice to try to figure that out, all in one day... but only on TV.

Marriage is less like what you see in TV and on the movies and more like farts and morning breath. I often wish I had enough motivation to get up earlier and put on make up, do my hair, exercise and just generally try to be better looking, then I realize that isn't really me, though I'd like to think I could do that if I REALLY wanted. Movies and TV make marriage look like the pits, it dresses it up for the screen, then when it comes down to real life, it is largely about body odors that used to be covered up and nakedness that doesn't immediately trigger a turn on.

I'm not talking about LOVE here, I'm talking about marriage. I'm not going to get all deep about the different facets of love, but rather the facts of marriage. Two people, until death do you part. First, the farts. There are lots of them. Maybe we should start taking Beano or something, so there will "Be no gas", or at least leave the room. Gone are the days of covering up the sounds, and being embarrassed over the level of toxicity in the air. It's down to "Mommy did it" or, "it was the dog" with no attempt to try to justify that bold face lie, considering the dog was outside the house at the time. Everyone poops, everyone farts. I'm less worried about impressing Paul with my lack of lady like farting and more concerned about missing a hilarious Stewie quote from an episode of Family Guy I've watched twenty times.

Priorities people, this is what they are in marriage. Did I burst that bubble for you? awww, no I didn't becuase you are just as glassy eyed as I was before I was married and no one or nothing could sway you otherwise, I know who you are, I used to be you. Enjoy it while it's there, you'll be farting seemlessly whilst changing the channel and cuddling and remarking about what you must have eaten for it to smell that bad, before you know it.

I'm less worried about that one black belly button hair that I should be plucking out and more focused on whether I should try to fold the pile of clothes that too closely resembles "Trashy" from Fraggle Rock.

I'm less worried about my morning breath and more stressed about actually waking up in time to rush myself and my poor son out the door in warp speed. In fact, I notice morning breath probably more so than my dear husband, we are too busy trying to actually get up out of bed there isn't a chance to cover up the morning breath smell, just a chance to hit the alarm for the tenth time and say "shit, let the dogs out before they pee, Joseph strawberry or peach oatmeal? Go pee before you eat breakfast and put the dish in the sink when you're done, clothes are on your bed, get ready, hurry, or mommy's going to get mad". That is pretty much SOP around my house M-F in the mornings. I should write a manual on how to do as impossibly little as you can in order to get out of the door. The manual would be one page and it would read "Shit, skip the shower, grab some gum and do your eyeliner at the red light on Man O War and Winchester Rd, dont' forget the baby, feeding him before you leave might be a good idea, but not necessary, bring gum for him too, just in case."

Morning breath used to be something you ignored, or made every effort to NOT have by slipping into the bathroom at 5:30am to get one last brush in hoping that, that would be enough by the time you woke up for morning "cuddles". Morning breath is something you just work around now. It's there, just get on with it, sex isn't impossible with morning breath, it's quite the opposite, more efficient and time effecitve if you will since Paul and I are still respectful enough to know the MB is there and we don't want to endure it for longer than we have to, so move the show along, no intermission, just get to the standing ovation, then, bruch your teeth in the shower.

I'm now going to think about all the multi tasking I do in daily life, brushing my teeth in the shower, shaving my legs in the shower, (I say this because recently I was up early enough to capture a part of the TODAY show on NBC where these New York Women who live so far off this planet on what they call Manhattan Island, and the PRODUCER of that show, obviously - felt it was necessary to put a segment together for compeltely inept ladies on how to make life more efficient by shaving your legs in the shower, and brushing your teeth in the shower.) I am NOT kidding you, this actually WAS on the today show and it was a 1:30 segment, I couldn't believe it, what do these women do in New York? Shave their legs in a plush cashmere robe while their first nanny replaces their tissues from Kleenex to 300 thread count nose blowers, and their second nanny schedules their ONE child into as much daily activity as possible so the New York mother doesn't have to see their kid. LOL, I will save my TODAY show rant for another day, I DESPISE that show and their geocentric egotistical topics, that will take a whole blog.

I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't do at least 2 things at once, I can't drive without talking on the phone, my dad and mum would never hear from me! What are you supposed to do in the shower if you don't brush your teeth and shave your legs, just shampoo, wash and get out? That sounds like a waste of opportunity there.

To bring this full circle, Marriage is less like the movies, less like romance and long loving staring Days of our Lives looking into each others eyes. And more like Farts that are loud enough and stinky enough to wake you from your sleep, but not enough to do that for ther FARTER, and morning breath that just gets ignored. You get to be yourself, your lazy, gross self, and your partner gets to continue to love you for it, or just ignore it and look forward to the days you wear matching underwear and not your ratty white (now grey/black) bra and blue overstretched grannie panties.