Saturday, July 20, 2013

Deep thoughts while running : Spiders.

F*$k Spiders.

I started thinking about what I hate most about them.  I started with the ones with fat bodies and scratchy pin like sharp short legs.    And then I went onto small body spiders that have crab like jointed long legs and huge "fangs" you can see.    Then there's ones that jump, spiders that grow to the size of Atlantic King Crabs, spiders that can walk on water, spiders that crawl out from under your couch and at the corner of your eye you catch it scampering across the floor as you wonder how long the two of you had been sharing a quiet evening on the couch watching Expendables 2 together.  Too fucking long.

I hate the way spiders move, I hate the way they look.  I hate that they live inside and outside and that all they do is kill flies and some insects.  Well you know what spiders?  Someone new is on the block for that job and they're already much better at it than you.  Black Flag called and they said to pack your bags we're going to kill insects through harmful carcinogens.  Your week long building web thing,  catching two flies, eating one slowly work ethic, just isn't going to cut it anymore. Spiders, you suck at your job, you're slow, ugly to look at and your webs aren't in the same place they were the day before and it freaks me out to walk through them.

Yes, I like to eat crab and they are called the spiders of the sea, sometimes.  Crabs are DELICIOUS.  I can see them, control them, boil them and dip them in delicious BUTTER.  Spiders are sneaky little bastards, they get in through the plumbing, my door cracks, windows and well, other ways I don't want to think about right now, I'd actually like to sleep well tonight.

Spiders can make not only webs, but NESTS.  Just Google Spider Nests.  Yeah.  No sleep tonight either?  Cool, see you on Facebook at 3am.    I'm not going to post any photos of spiders I hate on this blog post because I hate ALL OF THEM.  Just Google images of "spiders" and that's what I mean.

Ok, so I hear the hippies talking.   There's a place for all animals on this planet.

This place for spiders is on the bottom of Mr. Price's shoe.

Why Mr. Price's shoe?  I don't want spider guts on my shoe, I don't want them anywhere near my shoe, I want spider guts spread about the wall as a warning to the rest of them.  I'd like to make a Mexican drug cartel joke here but that shit is getting serious and my spider joke is just a horrible example in bad taste.  But you see where I wanted to go with that.

Did I mention I'm from Australia?  Yeah, grew up with the most deadly snakes and spiders in the world.  Maybe that had something to do with it.  I'm even more of a wuss now knowing what danger I was in growing up in the land Down Under.  

While running and in deep thought I thought about how all children should watch Arachnophobia and THEN watch/read Charlotte's Web.  I took the liberty of realizing a future where all children approached spiders in this new educational format and I re-wrote Charlotte's Web for the kids.  Here  it goes.

This is a cute story about Charlotte.  She's a spider.  So I took off my shoe and I smashed her spider brains in and killed her and sent her to spider hell.  Just because all dogs go to heaven, doesn't mean that spiders go anywhere other than hell.  That's where they come from and where they go back to when they meet my shoe.  The End.  PS.  The pig won first place.  For best organically grain fed BACON.

So how does this tie into running?

I'm back at it again.  So I'm back to deep random thoughts because that's what I do when The Offspring is blaring in my ears as I pound the pavement.  I actually don't see many spiders when I go running.   This could be a good thing for me but maybe I'd run faster if I thought I accidentally ran through a spider's nest?  Nope.  I'd just freak out and 1 mile down the road my heart would explode from my adrenaline attack and the spiders would find me and eat me.  First they'd start with my eyeballs.

Spiders are fucking awful.  Now that I've written this hate blog against them, I expect for all the spiders around my house and property to march together in a massive frightening organized fashion and wake me in my sleep by crawling all over my body and just being creepily disgusting.  I shall be expecting this.  I will be sleeping with MANY shoes under my pillows.  Bring it.

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