Monday, April 11, 2011

Going Green and The Wool Coffin; Increasing the actuality of the Zombie Apocalypse

Alternative Title:  A Wolf in Sheep's clothing.

As another Zombie-free Earth Day approaches for 2011, (April 22nd) the reports on how to live a greener lifestyle increase all over the internet.  Change a CFL lightbulb, unplug your phone charger... blah blah blah, we've done it all or we've heard about it and just plain ignored it.  How about thinking outside the box, err.. coffin box?  Even in death, it turns out, you can choose to be GREEN and even though you won't care (you'll be dead) you can leave your NOT lasting impression on this earth by reducing your very last carbon footprint.  Laying to rest in your very own wool/cotton/cardboard blend, coffin.

However, I'm less concerned about the impact on the future generations (in the GREEN sense), and more concerned about the impact these "pliable" coffins have on assisting the probability of a Zombie attack.  In fact, the green coffins have a more terrifying impact than the carbon footprint Al Gore has us all anxious over and the melting ice caps, something more devestating, that we all should be worried about for future generations.  Screw the environment, the Zombies are coming.  Future generations and attack by Zombies have just walked into the near future, hand in hand with the assistance of environmentally friendly coffins.
It's simple math really.  Cute little sheep, earth friendly coffin, equals zombie apocalypse and screaming people.
Maybe if generations of the new millennium are more aware of the probablity of the Zombie attack then they will be more prepared?  I think not.  It's obvious anyone born today knows NOTHING, especially of working hard or preventing a Zombie attack.  Our generation, today, must take a stand, to protect our children and our childrens' children.  After all, we are the ones raising them and I'm not sure we can rely on our parenting skills, time outs and deep and meaningful talks after we're dead and gone and our children are in charge of sustaining the human race.

It's not easy being green, damn straight, Kermit.  But there's right ways and then there's the wool coffin.

Read up on the Green Coffins here and  here.  "In addition to local wool and sustainably sourced cotton, the coffins are reinforced with 100 percent recycled cardboard. As a result, they are biodegradable, which meet the growing demand for green burials."  
Courtesy  Looks like an edible Styrofoam cup, eh?
Cardboard.  How often do we use the phrase "Couldn't talk herself out of a wet paper bag"?  Turns out, getting out a a wet paper bag, in any situation is a very easy thing to do.  Laying 6 feet under, after the first heavy rain, and clawing your way out of a wet cardboard box, is very easy to do.  

Going green, could be good for the environment, but bad for the human race. 

With good intentions we lay these undead humans in the most comfortable coffin box ever, practically handing these soon-to-be Zombies awaiting the uprising, the key to the cardboard deadbolt and laying out the red carpet for the brains feast and human mutilation that awaits them on a silver platter.

The Wool Coffin aka:
"comfy cocoon of death"
"wooly tomb"
"six feet under wear." 

If we are going to give them a wet cardboard box to get their beauty sleep in while we naive humans (at least those of you who haven't made preparations for the Zombie Apocalypse), walk around top soil side, going about our daily errands, for every wool coffin box sold, each survived relative should be awarded a semi automatic with at least 4-5 rounds shot gun, as like a twofer deal.  Semi-bury the dead, get a shotgun for when you really need to get rid of them.

I say, if you are more worried about being green and less worried about the Zombie Apocalypse, then first, you have your priorities wrong.  And second, focus on changing your damn lightbulbs and get cremated.  Unplug your bloody cell phone chargers and get toasted down to a char, like your typical morning slice that you try to butter and jam before it disentegrates on your plate from spending too much time in the toaster.  Turns out, burning these wool coffins actually emit less carbon monoxide than toasting a typical wood coffin, so go green, then get blackened.

Do your part, go green and get wise.  The Zombies are coming.  Don't be less prepared, be PREPARED.  As everyone else buries their "dead" in these green coffins, get yourself an extra round of ammo.  You'll need it to protect your family and those who put you in this position, where Zombies rise from the graves as easily as morning wood.

I'll leave you with an illustrated reminder of how to rid yourself of zombies, simple three step process.  Don't screw it up.  Your brains depend on this.

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