Monday, July 25, 2011

When a shower was just a shower.

It's time to reminisce.

Taking one of the most catastrophic showers I have taken in a while, today, I was forced to think back to a time when showers, were just showers.  Long hot showers, short efficient showers, showers were just showers, were just blips on my daily radar of things to do to avoid being smelly.  I didn't ever think of showers in any particular way, but today, I find myself thinking of them, as the "blips" that they were, in the most affectionate of ways.

Ahhh, the time I used to take in dragging my feet towards the shower, at any particular time that suited me, turning on the hot water, letting it "simmer" for just a moment, the hot steam filling the room and slowly undressing, fully equipped with the freshest razor, carefully selected fragranced body wash, full shampoo and full conditioner, loofah, ready at it's post for a full all over body lathering, the kind of lathering you could get like they are able to do in commercials if you use half a bottle of soap, but the latering was worth the $2 of the half a body wash bottle.  Brushing my teeth, shaving not just one leg, but both and ABOVE THE KNEES TOO!  Washing my hair, NOT forgetting the conditioner, not forgetting to wash it out, brushing my wet hair and then drying and styling my wet hair into something that wasn't exactly as bouncy as a real housewife of whatever county, but could rival a bad Reese Witherspoon hair day, I could be proud back then. Wow, what a time those showers were.

But alas, no longer do these showers exist today.  I sit here to blog about my showering experience today, still hair wet and still partially naked.  It's been over 2 hours since I had my shower and still cannot muster the ability around my household obligations to get fully clothed.  So I decided to bitch about it instead.

I'll give you all the ingredients:
Fussing newborn
Nagging a 4 year old to get dressed/eat lunch
Dog #1 pees on the hardwood floor - 4 year old runs in at full speed to inform me of this biological disaster that is taking place in the farthest room from the shower
Dog #2 is hiding under the table = done something really bad
Cell phone alerts, someone's texting me
Home phone ringing
Missing Razor
Slippery bathroom floor when wet
A spider in the shower, for some good measure and entertainment

So let's just skip to the catastrophe that was today's shower.  Not only did I foolishly attempt to HAVE ONE, but also to wash my hair AND shave my legs.  I was dreaming big, it's the start of a new week, I was feeling a little ballsy today.  My bad.

It starts with me turning on the water, newborn in his "moses basket" in the bathroom so I can still peak at him and hear him.. then... the 4 year old runs in at full speed "Dingo peed all over the floor in the office!!!!"  Not thinking it's too bad, only to find out that Dingo has in fact, leaked lake Erie all over the hardwood floors, two towels is what I need to fix the mess, while newborn fussing turns into "Listen, mum, I REALLY REALLY NEED TO EAT, NOW." 4 year old still in pajamas, needs to finish his lunch, the meat part, not just the cheese part, shaving partial areas of my legs above and below the knees at random hoping to catch enough areas that make it feel like I almost got it all, simultaneously rubbed body soap all over as the water washed it off, hoping that would be enough to stave of any smelliness until tomorrow or at least a deodorant fix in four hours, hair washed with water and either shampoo or conditioner (not quite sure which), at which point the spider that decides I have yet to have had enough entertainment in today's shower, decides to jump itself into my clear vision, ready for the attack, as there is nothing lethal in my shower, other than a half full bottle of shampoo that I try to beat it to death with as I slip and slide all over the fabricated plastic walls screaming bloody murder, undoubtedly further agitating the newborn and his wails, and ends with me running around the house, naked, cold and wet, chasing Dog #1 as it knows today is the day I deliver it's long awaited death, screaming at Dog #2 to get "IN YOUR HOUSE NOW!"  grabbing the old dog towels and grabbing the newborn, spraying and wiping away lake Erie of Pee, swiftly swooping him (newborn) into my arms, trying to feed him while sitting helplessly, still wet, and semi naked on the couch, hair "air drying" which I TOTALLY HATE cuz it gets all kinky and weird, as I listen to the shower still running in the background, in my haste, the shower remains in the ON position, casually washing over the nobody that is in the shower.... wondering, what happened to those showers that used to be a blip, a mere blip on my daily radar.

It was only a blip, a little blip, I miss those little blippy showers.