As I watch my body, daily, rapidly expand from a size 8 into a size Oh My God, I can't help but wonder wistfully where I might be today if I had kept my running training instead of getting knocked up. I wonder if I would be staring into every mirror with much less disdain for myself and my choices.
I had spent the entire first pregnancy regretting every moment. In retrospect, a highly selfish ponderance than my usual level of self involved introspect. I didn't realize, that at the end of that fat, expanding, swollen, emotionally massacred 9 months, that I would have produced the most fantastic being ever imaginable. At that moment of sheer amazement, I decided that when we were going to do this again, I would know exactly what I was in for and focus on being able to eat a lot, often, and not worry about how my thighs touch from the top down until my kankles and the fact that my triple chin only compliments my Jewish looking, yet large flattening nose.
Not so.
I am quite upset. Miserable takes it too far, but I am pissed. So pissed off. I hate this. I hate that in 6 short months it will all be worth it, but now, again, I feel like total utter shit and just don't know why I had fooled myself into thinking that my wrists being as thick as my kankles was going to be okay, a second time around. I had convinced myself I was going to "enjoy" being pregnant this time around.
I thought I was smarter than that? My arse is widening and drooping. Lovely thought I know, I see it sliding down the back of my legs as I stare into the mirror as if it were one of those 3D pictures I could NEVER see no matter how hard I crossed my eyes. My arse is drooping like slow molasses down the back of my legs, the longer I stand and stare, the closer it gets to my kankles.
I'm also not visibly pregnant just yet. Into my 4th month and I look like I should just exercise a bit and suck it in more. I'm at that stage (girls you know exactly what I'm talking about here) where you see a chick walking into Kroger with a tighter than she should be wearing t-shirt and that mid section just sits there like she didn't bother looking before she left the house. Suck it in. I think to myself. No one wants to see that shit hanging out there. You'd be ok looking if you'd just suck in that gut. Not ever did I think to myself that, that poor girl could be pregnant and suffering silently like myself. No, I just harshly judged her very present stomach as she approached the grocery store. Now that girl is me. Screw it. It makes my fourth trip of the day to get mini eggs much more exciting if I can read every book by its cover.
My skin feels like it is expanding all over and my toes are getting fat. MY TOES. My hair is thick and lustrous, if only I didn't hate the way it looked all the time and no matter what I feel like I do to it, my long thick hair is wasted on me. It's still gray at my roots, the thickness is getting heavy and annoying. I can;t wait to see what the does to me in JUNE in the SUMMER. I'll wake up in the middle of the night thinking I just had a horrible dream about how I grabbed a pair of scissors, any scissors, Joseph's preschool scissors and just hacked off my hair because I hated it and had finally had enough. Then I'll look at my pillow to discover 3 cardigans with of human hair laying there. Screams. Maybe I should avoid that dramatic scene and make an appointment now with my hairdresser? That would be normal of me. Yes I should do that.
You've got 6 more months of posts like this. Aren't you excited?
Well, I'd love to stay and chat more, but, the waaabulance is here and they're ready to pick me up and drive me off into the sunset. Farewell.
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