Roller coaster.

I was recently asked if anyone had ever told me I am like an elevator. Knowing exactly what that metaphor meant, I replied that I am more like a rollercoaster, the ups and downs can be scary whereas an elevator is more controlled. With the roller coaster, you also never know when it will end and there is a good chance that you'll throw up at the end.

This is not a roller coaster I'd pay to get on :) but one my husband married.

October "baby month" is bearing hard down on me. It has also rained for a straight seven days - today (Sunday) being the first sunshine in over 7 days has been refreshing. And like the clouds parting, so did the thoughts and stress on my mind and I decided that I can wait another year. If I don't end up waiting infinitely, I'd like the idea of having 2 kids, 2 kids each with a friend (for a little while at least) and each with a playmate and each at different stages. I am just not ready to give up the freedom I have with just one kid. life is plenty interesting with just one kid, there is not one solid good reason why I want to have another one right now, so I'm just not going to.
It is quite possible we could go on vacation next year, who knows where and I'd rather be with just Joseph and Paul then pregnant or newly pregnant.

It's also my 30th next year and I'm already paranoid enough about that "life is practically over when you turn 30" and I don't want to be dealing with a newborn and sleepiness and worried if I am spending enough time with Joseph. Joseph is talking, running holding conversations, yesterday was the firt time I have seen him use him imagination and actively play with participating toys and giving them specific roles to carry out. Sure he was telling the blocks to "stay there" and using his Handy manny tools to fix them, it was exciting to see him use the active imagination I once had that disappears somewhere between tween and teen, not sure where, it is probably still there is just gets eaten alive by the teenage anger and angst and the hormones probably bitched my imagination out of existence.

Joseph has always played well by himself, since he was a tiny infant I have left him alone in his room for short - long periods of time. It is fun to see him chatting to his things and imagining. He has entire conversations with us now. It is very exciting, his favorite book right now is "on the farm" because he has analyzed that book so much that he knows where everything is and he has found ever item that book asks him to find. It's funny, "find the red roose..THERE!" etc.. He ASKS for me to play "Sugar Lumps" in the car on the way home. It is now also my ringtone so whenever my phone rings he finds it and yells "mummy, your phone!!!!" Why listen to Elmo when your kid can be cool and share fun songs YOU actually like?

Joseph is so active so aware and remembers everything that I can't watch TV that I like anymore while he is awake, so my tv life is suffering. I miss Californication, Dexter (was just getting into those) Family Guy and endless repeats of that, plus action and blowing up stuff.. blood and a little bit of violence. Just trying to shelter him for a little bit, but not too much, he'll figure out soon enough, so right now, innocence is bliss.

It is October, well in like 5 days. Birthday month, Halloween, no longer baby month and the holidays are upon me. I feel more calm going into the holidays now that this "baby pressure" I put on myself is gone. I still wonder if we should start trying again, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to. Up we go again....