Ok, ok,
I've got skin cancer.
 |
| Chicks Dig Scars. Oh wait, how's that going to benefit me? shit... |
I'm a part of the Cancer club now, but not a legitimate high priestess member, see, I feel like I've got the decorative fake kind of cancer and it's not as serious as real people who get real forms of cancer. So I'm not going to take it serious, either. Except for the sunscreen and condoms part. SO... if you're looking for a "educational " post on cancer, or a "rational and uniquely personal account of cancer" (except the unique = making fun of my cancer part) you're not going to get it here.
I'm also not going to go into some diatribe about how long I've had the spots for, or how now everyone I know should wear sunscreen, because now that I've been affected, I should share my knowledge with the world and influence and push new behaviors on people, it's not about that. For all I care, you could read this post, go on and book yourself into a 20 minute cooking session at your local tanning bed. This is me, NOT caring and NOT judging you, just don't call me looking for an empathetic conversation when you've got melanoma and you want to sue the tanning place because you're too stupid to to look out for your own well being. I'll hang up on you.
Now, back to the sunscreen and condoms.
Unlike condoms, more application of the same, at regular intervals or all at once, is a good thing. 2 or 3 applications of sunscreen before hitting the pool is a good thing. Two or three applications of condoms before "hitting that", is not a good thing.
More sunscreen applications = less failure rate.
More condoms = higher failure rate.
Everyone remembers that conversation you had in high school, during sex education class and some smart ass always says, every year, well, if condoms protect, "I'll just wear more." No, you idiot. It doesn't work that way. And no, Milky Way wrappers are ALSO not an effective method of birth control. If I needed to tell you that, please skip to section "F" where you receive a FAIL and you've been asked to kindly step, slowly (so you don't hurt yourself you moron), out of the gene pool and move to Canada.
The above paragraphs were just a really long winded way of saying that if I smell of sunscreen when you see me next, it's because I'm applying it every 1 hour instead of every 2 hours and my new eu de toilette el natur-al body odor will involve some level of SPF. Hope that turns you on.
Sunscreen is now available in the "you have no more excuses" and "non gay" application method. Or, also known as the "sorry guys, now you don't get a quarter chubb watching your female friends lather sunscreen on each other as you drift off into fantasy land that has slow motion larger breasts in "too-small and too-tight" bras, pillow fights and girly cheeky laughter".. ... The SPRAY application.
Yes, as a friend so eloquently put it.... Spray sunscreen allows one male to apply sunscreen to another male, without being, and without, looking gay. Spraying it on is the lazy way to help you avoid getting skin cancer, and avoiding your self loathing closeted homophobic fears, see, no excuses.
So, in summary, protect yourself:
Wear condoms, just don't wear 2 or 3 at a time.
Wear sunscreen, and DO apply two or three times.
Because we all know that :
1. Cancer sucks and that shit will KILL YOU, KILL YOU DEAD,
and,
2. if Cancer won't, a car wreck probably will,
3. or at least the cure for Cancer will turn you into a zombie.
Avoid all, at all costs. That is all.
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