 |
| Courtesy my talented Sister-in-law, the second coolest Rebecca Price. |
Yeah it's in there. And it's working on making its way out. The baby is about 4lbs and I have a little over 7 weeks to go, I'm in the home stretch, but the final 200 yards is still ahead of me. Sleeps with seven pillows is enjoying less gastric reflux but more personal invasion of my middle area space. I'm eating so much and it's obviously taking more than its fair share, I get hungry 5 times a day, and if I don't eat, the baby let's me know that I should... and fast.
It's poking me, and if you look at it, you can see it. Gross, I know. The "magic" and "beautiful" blah blah of pregnancy can kiss my ass, at 33 weeks, my kid is working on its escape plan but hasn't yet figured out that it is NOT through my belly button. Is this a precursor to producing a dimmer bulb in the box? I'll keep you posted, but as long as it doesn't stop for directions on the way out, I'm sure everything will be alright on the night.
This kid has sucker punched me more times that I can count. And it clearly has the advantage of causing more pain from the INSIDE OUT.
I've not met one person that thinks this baby is anything other than a girl. I'll give you a quick list of reasons as to why it very well could be a girl. I'll just set you up for a major let down with it comes out with a twig and berries.
1) I'm being a bitch. More so than my regular self and more so than my last pregnancy. You got a problem with that?
2) I'm overreacting. My new doctors office neglected to refill the paper towels in the rest room and it sent me into major flip out mode as I struggled with how to open the shiny silvery germ infested bathroom door handle that I would usually open strategically with my soaked paper towel using it as a barrier between the handle and my newly clean hands and exit the bathroom in a well choreographed slide through whilst simultaneously throwing the used towel in the bin. Instead, I stood there and started adding it to my list of things I already didn't like about this doctors office including things like, only parenting magazines nothing trashy, stupid waiting room chairs and ugly people in the waiting room, not to mention, everyone was pregnant.
3) If you just want to look at what's opposite about this time around and compare it to Joseph and say that this equals a girl, then you have a lot of ammunition. No puking, only nausea, gastric reflux this time, and not last, carrying higher than last time, faster heart beat, not to mention all the bloody cooking and home economics crafts and medals I've been sewing myself and pinning to my chest.
4) I'm ready to fight. This might indicate higher levels of testosterone, so a boy, but this could also be applied to a more red neck version of #1. You wanna take a tumble? Bring it. Only problem is, this fight instinct is usually completely misdirected and caused by fact #2 above and Mr. Price is usually the only one accidentally finding himself in the ring.
5) I've started cooking. Not every night, not regularly, but I started, and it's kinda fun and I get in over my head and it usually tastes pretty damn good. Cooking = home ec = estrogen right? You people are so sexist.
6) Did I mention I'm being a bitch? I've lost that filter I often talk about, "blunt and honest" has turned into "rude idiot" but I find that most people are surprisingly kind and offer me an olive branch or just ignore me when they are able to take in my current state of discomfort. God, quit looking at me, piss off, you wanna fight?
7) I've started sewing. Sterotypical bunch of narrow minded right wings aren't you? Let me do the math for you again. Sewing = home ec = girl. Well, you know what buddy? I could just be into sewing some glitter spandex and it could mean not a girl, but a boy. And all the sewing could mean I'm having a drag queen. So there you go. How you like them apples?
8) Ive put on weight everywhere. Not just around my delicate little tummy, but everywhere. Saddle bags are currently in season - what? You didn't know? Oh yeah, Saddle bags, not by Prada or Chanel, but by your THIGHS. ugh.
9) I already have a boy so surely that means I get a girl next, according to you.
10) EVERYONE is having a boy. Everyone who KNOWS what they are having, around me, is having a boy. It's crazy. So according to these odds, surely I MUST be having a girl. And statistically speaking if 98% of people are having a boy that would mean that the other 2% should be a girl to keep the boy/girl ratio intact until the girl portion can keep up. Also 88% of statistics are made up, at any given moment.
There you have it. Reasons I could be having a girl. All the reasons why the party is limited to inside my tummy, and noone else is invited. I'm sorry, I'm full up, the invitation list has been sent out and you weren't on it. One person was, and "she's" coming on July 2nd. Thanks.
Sincerely,
-Sleeps with seven pillows.
No comments:
Post a Comment